When should my kid read their files? Autism mom needs help.

As a parent, there are countless moments when you’re forced to make choices that seem both simple and impossible. For me, this has come to a head recently as my teenage daughter with autism becomes more curious about her medical reports and IEPs. Part of me is thrilled that she wants to understand herself more deeply; it’s a sign that she’s growing up, becoming self-aware, and wanting to take ownership of her life. But then, I think about what these reports contain—often a focus on areas where she struggles, with sometimes only a nod to her incredible strengths.

Reading through these reports can be tough for me as her parent, let alone for her as a young person still discovering who she is. They often feel clinical, reductionist, and sometimes even cold, describing her challenges in a way that leaves out the full, vibrant person I know and love. Where are the mentions of her humor, her creativity, or the way her face lights up when she talks about her favorite book? The focus on deficits can make it seem as if her strengths aren’t there, or worse, that they don’t matter. I worry that letting her see these documents might give her a skewed view of herself, one that focuses too much on her challenges and not enough on her talents, her kindness, her spirit.

But then, I wonder: Am I protecting her, or am I holding her back? Every person has a right to understand their own experiences and their own minds. If I keep these reports from her, does that imply there’s something in them to be ashamed of? I don’t want her to feel that any part of who she is should be hidden or minimized. She deserves to know her full story—one that includes her struggles, yes, but that also celebrates her strengths. I want her to know the things she can work on, but I don’t want her self-esteem to suffer in the process.

I’ve considered sitting down with her to go through them together, pointing out that these documents are just one small perspective and explaining that they don’t define her. But I wonder if that’s enough. I fear that reading these reports could be damaging to her self-image, or lead her to internalize what’s written as the entirety of who she is. She’s a sensitive soul, and I’m not sure how she would handle seeing her challenges laid out in stark terms, without the warmth and pride I always feel when I think of her.

So here I am, struggling with this decision and turning to the wisdom of those who have been in my shoes. For those of you who have walked this path, did you decide to share these documents with your child? If so, how did you approach it? If not, what made you hesitate? Any advice, insights, or even questions that could help me think this through would mean the world to me. I want to make the choice that best supports her growth and self-acceptance.

Thank you for reading and for any thoughts you might share.