Understanding masking when you are not autistic

Have you ever had that feeling of being uncomfortable in your own skin? Felt at odds with understanding the social norm? How about meeting up with friends and hearing someone telling a joke. You don’t think it’s funny but laugh along anyway because it is expected. Do we put on a different persona for co-workers than we do for friends and family? All of us mask at some point.

We have all pretended to be interested in what someone was saying to prevent awkwardness, controlled our emotions in a work situation to project something we were not actually feeling, or nodded along to appear we understood something in order to fit in. Typically, these are fairly quick masks that we put on to get on with our day. But what might it feel like to put that mask on when you walk out your door and not take it off again until you crawl into bed at night? When someone with ASD tries to fit in with societal norms while suppressing who they really are, it must feel terrible. And it definitely takes a toll.

When we walk out the door in the morning and pass a neighbor, a typical greeting of “Good Morning” is called out. For someone who is neurotypical, we don’t even give our response a second thought. We simply reply “Good Morning.” We don’t need to think about voice modulation, body language, facial expressions or regulating our emotions. When you are neurotypical, these social interactions just occur naturally. No mask required.

I simply cannot imagine having to monitor my facial expression and voice for a simple morning greeting, but for many on the spectrum that is exactly what they feel required to do. Out in the world, masking often becomes a coping mechanism, a way to shield from the sensory overload and the overwhelming social stimuli that characterize one’s daily life. When autistics mask their autistic traits, it allows them to better fit in with what the world considers “normal.”

Without a doubt, being on the spectrum and masking to get through your day can take a toll on your physical and mental health.The person that you present to the world is not the true and authentic you. The authentic you is masking, trying to fit into all the social norms. What’s more: research is showing that masking can lead to anxiety, depression, and a sense of isolation, and it is no wonder.

To be honest, I used to see more masking with my granddaughter than I do these days. She used to strive harder to fit in with her neurotypical classmates and I think that was difficult for her. These days I am seeing more of her true self shine through. Yep, she stims. She doesn’t modulate her voice the way someone not on the spectrum would. She has wild body movements and doesn’t like a lot of noise so there are oftentimes headphones on. When she gets home, she rocks, she paces, she runs wildly. And you know what? She seems happier and no one is worse off for her taking that mask off.

I don’t say any of these things because they bother me. They don’t. That’s just who she is. The autistic traits she displays do not define her. She is smart and funny. She is a change maker. Being with her makes me a better person. Watching her be her true self makes me hope that everyone can have the chance to be themselves and be accepted for who they are. It’s time for acceptance and inclusion.